How the story in today’s Globe should have read:

Kerry, Brown Announce Agreement on Pelt-Trading Iniative, Coal-Drilling-Nuclear Subsidies

(WASHINGTON Jan 23, 2010-Michael Horan)–Senator John Kerry announced yesterday that in the wake of Scott Brown’s election as junior Senator from Massachusetts, he’d be withdrawing his support from the Kerry-Boxer climate bill and, instead, promote a raft of new legislation “which will constitute a comprehensive, long-term plan capable of supplying America with its energy  needs well into June.”

Kerry called for “The re-vitalization of the centuries-old trade in animal pelts–that’s an industry which shows real growth potential. Oh, yeah, and subsidizing of coal mining, drilling for offshore oil, and building the most expensive nuclear power generators the world has ever seen–because we stand second to no one when it comes to cost-overruns. No more shall we allow self-centered concerns with the survival of the planet to get in the way of the will of the American people. Mining, drilling, and generating radioactive waste–that’s what makes this country great.”

Surrounded by the CEO’s of various companies including Exxon, ShellOil, and BPL and flanked by Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, and James Inhofe, Kerry went on to declare that “no more shall the American people be held hostage by the chains of the past or the arrogant claims of `science.’ The election of Mr. Brown has made it clear that the weak legislation we were jerking around with needs to be watered down further so as to ensure that the fine corporate citizens with whom I stand here today can top the record-breaking profits they showed last year. Americans have spoken: science is hard. Money is easy.” At that, he was interrupted by the assorted dignitaries, who uncorked champagne and broke into applause and cries of “hear, hear!”

John Enderby, VP for Public Relations at Vulcan Partners Coal, presented Kerry with a gold-plated shovel. After slipping on a pair of moleskin gloves, Kerry held the shovel over his head and declared, “To set an example, I’m heading back to Boston this afternoon, where I’ll personally commence digging for coal on Boston Common, and I hope that every resident of Massachusetts will start to do the same on their property.”  Examining the shovel, he was heard to mutter “as soon as someone shows me how this fucking thing works.” In response to a question about the propriety of digging in a public park, Kerry responded that “Harry Reid called me this morning to announce that the Democrats want to cosponsor a bill that will place every inch of publicly-held land up for auction. That was actually Newt’s idea, and I think it’s swell. And I want my home state to lead the way. Look at Boston Common–a tragic waste of space–why, I’ve heard there’s actually homeless people there, and neither Terry nor I nor our Beacon Hill neighbors are comfortable with that. Now, imagine, that instead of a bunch of rummies and cat-ladies, an oil derrick stretching way up into the sky right there in the heart of downtown Boston. That’s the kind of message I want to send to the country and to the world.”

In response to a question from a representative from 350.org regarding his about-face, Kerry admitted that, “Sure, I was for drafting some token legislation before I was against it, but I’m man enough to admit it when I’m wrong. Scotty dropped by my office yesterday to say hello and to drop off a list of demands to which I and my Party will readily accede. It’s a pretty long list, but I promised him we’d get  right to work. After I fetched him his coffee,  I asked how we can best help the Republican minority to achieve their goals, and he started right in with the environment. He whipped out his calculator and  ran some figures. Took him less than five minutes to show me that all those so-called `scientists’ made a critical mistake. Turns out that the baseline to which we need to reduce our carbon emissions isn’t 350 ppm–it’s 350,000 parts per million. That changes everything.”

Senator James Inhofe (R-OK), who entertained the press throughout the conference by jerking on the other end of one of the many leashes attached to Kerry’s collar, declared that “A new day has dawned for bipartisanship here in Washington. And why not? After all, we suck from the same teat, if ya know what I’m sayin’. And you look at your Bible, why, makes you wonder what the fussin and fightin’s been all about. As I’ve said in the hallowed halls of Congress, everybody knows the earth is 6,000 years old. If we made it that long, we’ll make it to the end-times, and I have it on very good authority they’re right around the corner. I can assure my constituents that a really determined effort to demolish every mountaintop, drill every ocean bed, and put some serious screws to those Islamististical sheiks will guarantee that there’ll be plenty of oil to last us until the Second Coming of our Lord Christ Jesus and the destruction of the godless cities of the east and west coasts. Cheap oil and the gospel–isn’t that what made America great?”

Former Alaskan governor and erstwhile FOX News commentator Sarah Palin was equally enthusiastic. “How many times have I said it, to the good hearted people of this proud nation, that Washington, well, they just don’t get it. You know, just the other day, Bristol, she said to me, Mama, why does Daddy have to go away all the time to drill for oil?, and I said to her, doggonit, baby–he does it for Trig. We gave Trig life, because life, that’s a value you cannot deny, so we, we owe it to him to give him all the goshdarn oil we had, because otherwise to do so, that would  not be reflective of the values of real America.”  Asked specifically about Brown’s election, Palin blushed. “He’s–golly–I mean, did you see those pics in Cosmo? Talk about your animal pelts! I declare, if I weren’t a married woman, I’d eat that man up. It’s men like that who made America great.” She then turned to a beaming  Kerry and affixed a “Palin 2012” button to his lapel.

Here in the Commonwealth, other leaders were quick to weigh in on the Kerry decision. Governor Devall Patrick’s office issued a statement noting in part that “The Governor applauds Senator Kerry’s courageous stance on behalf of the beaver-pelt industry. With over 75,000 beavers currently wreaking havoc across the state of Massachusetts, we see a combination of pelt-trading and casinos as the cornerstone of a revitalized Massachusetts economy. Hunting, trapping, and gambling–that’s what made America great. The Governor will empower a panel of blue-ribbon consultants to report to the State Wildlife Commission, which will be enjoined to make their recommendations to a Special Select Committee on Beaver Futures. We fully expect to see results by the end of the Governor’s second term in 2014.” (State Legislature and Senate leaders immediately issued a statement vowing to reject any legislation supported by the Governor that hadn’t been previously vetted at the Annual Boardroom-to-Boardroom Barbecue). Meanwhile, former governor Mitt Romney told reporters that “I was personally responsible for Getting Scott Brown elected. Everyone knows that. While Sarah Palin was drooling over Scott’s nudie shots, my team and I were doing the hard work, running the nuts and bolts of the operation. And I’ll continue to do so. I suspect Sarah Palin has her hands full helping Bristol with the out-of-wedlock baby she spawned one night in a fit of unholy lust.”

Senator-elect Scott Brown was unable to attend the conference, but gave an impromptu speech to the press on the steps of the White House later in the day. “What he said. Think we’re done on the environmental thing. From here on out, you can pretty much assume that whatever John says, he speaks for me. Same with the President, with whom I just had a very cordial meeting. Barack assures me that the Solicitor-General will be only too happy to mount a challenge to that nonsense in the Constitution banning `cruel and unusual punishment,’ and he’s with me on transferring the terrorists in Guatanamo to the penal colony we’ll be establishing in Haiti.”   Asked whether they discussed the prospects of a healthcare bill now that his election has deprived the Democrats of a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority, Brown stated that “We agree with the President that healthcare reform is long overdue. I finally got around to looking at it over my coffee this morning, and frankly, it isn’t that bad–mandating that all Americans purchase insurance from private insurance companies is straight out of our playbook. Who knew?  President Obama actually called me in to assure me that he shares our concern that the poor won’t be paying their fair share, and we played around with the idea of creating a kind of `indentured servitude’ program that will allow the underpriveleged to maintain their dignity and pay their debt to society. I see real opportunities along those lines in the new sugar plantations we’ll be establishing in Haiti–along with offshore banking operations, coastal casino resorts, and US Navy bombing target practice. Banking, bombing, and gambling–that’s what made America great.”

The leaders of some of the nation’s top environmental groups held a meeting of their own concurrently in a rest room down the hall. After  posing for a mutual hand-wringing photo op, they issued a statement declaring that “We will fight Senator’s Kerry attempt to relax the regulations on the trade in animal pelts–but we can’t do it without substantial financial support from the American people. Please give generously.” The proceeded to a hasty adjournment, noting that they needed to attend a critical four-course strategy luncheon at the District’s famed Michel Richard Citronelle restaurant.